When I was younger, just a bad little kid,
my mama noticed funny things I did,
like shootin' puppies with a B B gun
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done
I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head
That's when my mama said (What did she say?),
she said, "My boy, I think someday
you'll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay
You'll be a dentist You have a talent for causin' things pain
Son, be a dentist People will pay you to be inhumane
Your temp'rament's wrong for the priesthood
and teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a dentist You'll be a success
(Here he is, folks: the leader of the plaque!
Watch him suck up that gas! Oh, my god!
He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good
Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?
Oh that hurts! I'm not numb!)
Oh, shut up Open wide here I come!
I am your dentist (goodness gracious!),
and I enjoy the career that I picked (Love it)
I am your dentist (fitting braces),
and I get off on the pain I inflict (Really love it)
I thrill when I drill a bicuspid
It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted
And though it may cause my patients distress,
somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me
I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me (Oh, mama)
'cause I'm a dentist and a success
Say ah! (Ah!) Say ah! (Ah!) Say ah! (Ah!) Now spit